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View Full Version : Let's have a joke friday


tuk
11th July 2003, 10:52 AM
Ok ppl, friday's are a nightmare for me and i have to work really really hard dealing with complaints, so I need jokes to get me through it. so start now..thanks awfully chaps..john

Edwin
11th July 2003, 10:54 AM
You ask for a joke, well here's one

Youre boss comes to about 15:00 our and say to you
You must work al weekend
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tuk
11th July 2003, 10:56 AM
That's not funny i leave at 15.30 home by 16.30 pissed 20.00 LOL

Edwin
11th July 2003, 11:07 AM
It's a joke mate
Hope it is soon 15:30 for you (and 16:00 for me)
I wish you have a nice weekend graemlins/smokin.gif

Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 11:43 AM
Blondes On Blonde Jokes

Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
It makes them feel popular.

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 11:44 AM
The Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

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Edwin
11th July 2003, 11:45 AM
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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 11:46 AM
Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

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Edwin
11th July 2003, 11:48 AM
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Go on Carlene
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Mike.
11th July 2003, 11:48 AM
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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 11:48 AM
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 11:49 AM
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''

''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

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Edwin
11th July 2003, 11:49 AM
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tuk
11th July 2003, 12:00 PM
Carlene, your a star keep 'em cumming lol

Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:06 PM
I'm not one for Yo'Mama jokes, but I luv this one......... (please note, this aint directed at any1's mother ok)

Yo' mama so fat, if she were one of the three little pigs, she'd say 'Not by the hair on my 26 chins!'

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:07 PM
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:08 PM
Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down ...

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:09 PM
A man was grocery shopping one day when he passed the toilet brushes. ''Wow! What a great idea,'' he thought to himself. So he bought one and took it home and started using it right away.
Two weeks later he went back to using toilet paper!

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:11 PM
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:14 PM
Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers

10) Pretend you don't speak English.

9) Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!”

8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

7) Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.

6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.

5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”

3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.

2) Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty.”

1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!

Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:16 PM
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

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Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:17 PM
Washington Survey

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton.
60% said, "Never again!"


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tuk
11th July 2003, 12:22 PM
Carlene, you are right nutter i you love jokes this is great with all the complaints i'm getting these are making my day graemlins/laff.gif

Carlene Lydia
11th July 2003, 12:26 PM
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tuk:
Carlene, you are right nutter i you love jokes this is great with all the complaints i'm getting these are making my day graemlins/laff.gif <hr></blockquote>

No probs m8, glad their making ya graemlins/laff.gif

j59
11th July 2003, 01:08 PM
on the ball again Carlene graemlins/laff.gif graemlins/laff.gif graemlins/laff.gif
love jx

Bart
11th July 2003, 03:21 PM
A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Bart
11th July 2003, 03:22 PM
A Sailor, wearing his dress whites, steps into a public restroom. A young boy about eleven years old is by the urinal and says, "Gee mister. That's the biggest **** I ever saw!" The sailor is proud of his tool so he says, "Thanks kid." As he leaves the restroom he places his white hat onto the boys head. A Marine steps into the restroom and whips out his wanger to take a leak. The young boy says, "Gee mister that's the biggest **** I ever saw!" The Marine says, "Thanks kid. Do you want to suck it?" The boy takes a step back and says "Hey! This ain't my hat!"

Bart
11th July 2003, 03:23 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs "

Bart
11th July 2003, 03:24 PM
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

Jon
11th July 2003, 03:24 PM
LMFAO :D

Edwin
11th July 2003, 03:25 PM
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Mike.
11th July 2003, 03:26 PM
:D

j59
11th July 2003, 03:28 PM
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I'zzzz
11th July 2003, 11:57 PM
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. Lana, a very
attractive blonde woman, arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new
clothes!" Then she hollered...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching. "

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

:p :p

j59
12th July 2003, 12:01 AM
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good one !
love jx